Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Good advice.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My beach vacation Google searches
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.