The symmetry is uncanny.
You Might Also Like
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
This checks out
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it