friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
found this cool rock hiking today
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,