The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.