Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.