HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My wedding will be open casket.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.