The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
You Might Also Like
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while