The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I would move hell over six inches for you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.