The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
You Might Also Like
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.