The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
You Might Also Like
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left