The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?