The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
it must be school picture day
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs