The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??