kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.