Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Very good! 👍😂
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Yes
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Good morning!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.