“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.