Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won鈥檛 stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I鈥檓 the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 馃檨
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Big Bad Wolf: I鈥檓 here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We鈥檙e not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
me, speaking to my daughter鈥檚 class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Fat chances are my favorite chances
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you鈥檙e asleep.
McDonald鈥檚 Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald鈥檚: We鈥檙e having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that鈥檚 how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald鈥檚.