The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
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“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄