[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
What if the weather talks about us?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.