Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
You Might Also Like
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
the official breakfast of 2021
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
good for her
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.