The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
O Wise One….
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away