The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
this is the news I live for
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
good for her
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.