When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When ur friends with white people
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Wait a second…
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
That 👊
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.