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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.