@1followernodad: the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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@rachxthompson: me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia
@MisterBombay: If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing
@shawnspree: Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.
@ghostkrogh: fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due me: say it fred: pls no me: i'm not paying fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due me: haha