the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*