the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Trying
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote