@KimJongSean: The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who's half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
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@Mr_Kapowski: "Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth
@_davidlucas_: *Answers door naked* Jehovah's Witnesses... 😲 Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
@therealeatwood: ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room* Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don't work here M: *slips him a five* VI: Right away sir