I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
*limbos away from your hug*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
as is their right
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.