The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
And that about sums it up.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.