the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Banana is the quietest snack
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?