The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.