The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
You Might Also Like
Cake!!
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife