The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
only 11 steps left
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty