“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?