“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You Might Also Like
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.