Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to tip your server
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My daily affirmation
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
#milo
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me