THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Donating blood today to make room for more food
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
How to find Kentucky on a map