@rachel2manypaws: The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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@tonyhawk: girl at restaurant: "Are you Tony Hawk?" me: "Yes." her: "Why?" I had no idea how to answer.
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@SirEviscerate: *holding huge scissors* I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-