The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
waiting for halloween be like:
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke