The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
so, is there a mister shapen head
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.