The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Brands during Pride
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”