The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I saw nothing
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁