The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
o shit
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO