The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.