The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot