@PyrBliss: The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that's not a risk I'm willing to take.
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@kadyngriffiths: [after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary] Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha Webster: Is that why- Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that
@DominicStraw: You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don't get it.
@daemonic3: [cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store] Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
@caliluvgirl77: coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine me: *laughing nervously* that's awful