The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
So glad we cleared that up
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”