The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
What the hell is going on?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.