The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.