When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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Beware of the dog..
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.