The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.